Does this make sense?

Tracy H asked:


My wife typed this letter a while ago. We started arguing about her going to her friend Jeff’s house til 4am. She said I needed to leave if I didn’t trust her. Anyway… Here is the letter she typed. What do you make of it?

Life Is Good

(inspired by nature, touched by God)

It’s a good life; it is good to be alive. Sometimes I get down; sometimes I am up.

There is this crazy web of things going on in my mind. I think about the people around me; and the people that are not around me. Every person with their own life to live; it is a good life for them too. Things can never be as bad as we think they can be. I wonder if anybody ever worries about me. I think I have started down a self destructive path… and I feel myself stuck in it. Stuck in the mud, this is how I am feeling right now. I realize that I have some kind of messed up sense of fault. What I need to pound into my own head, is the only thing in this world that I am in control of is myself. What I really want to do, more than anything right now, is quit everything. I almost desire death. The only thing that keeps me from ending my own life is that it would be really mean to the people that love me. I can not abuse them that bad. I can’t bring myself to worry about the afterlife; and that was my biggest worry before. So how do I escape these feelings? Get help, talk to somebody, find someone impartial. Listen, in my opinion, a person that charges $150. an hour & their rules are that their patients must have health insurance is not an impartial party. Shew, I hate money. Nothing in this life sucks as bad as money. Do you know what else sucks? Pity. Self pity is disgusting to me. When other people feel sorry for me, it invokes my own self pity. I hate to cry. I hate to be ugly. I hate it when my eyes are all messed up from crying. It makes me angry when other people cry in self pity. Again, the only thing in this whole world that each individual one of us is in control of is what we choose to do while we are alive. Life is stress, life is anxiety, life is work… but even so, life is good. Maybe I have anger issues. Maybe I need to work on my own self worth. Am I important to anybody? Does anybody love me? Will somebody point me in the direction… where can I find Love Street?

I think I have music in my soul. There are so many songs that I relate to so much, in so many ways. You hear people talk about what inspire them. Most people don’t talk the way I do; so I will give an example for clarity. I know a chick that is a real church-going person. She whole-heartedly believes in the bible; she believes in God. I have heard her talking about the bible a couple of times; not quoting; but just talking about the bible in general. She said that the thing about the bible is you can read it over and over and over; and each time it has a different meaning… each time she can relate to the bible’s teachings differently. This is the way I feel about music. I can get lost, I can be stone sober and trip out, on some good music. There is not much music that I hate. Really. You’ll hear me say that I hate a lot of things; but not music. There are some musicians that I hate with a passion; well, I don’t hate them as a person, I hate the crappy lyrics mixed with their crappy style… but even with that; when their crappy music comes on the radio; and I can’t pick up another station; I listen to them. Sometimes things like that change my mind about the music they made in the first place. Sometimes I listen to some stuff that other people recommend to me, because they like it, and most recommended music I like. Is that because I like my friends and I value their opinion? Maybe. Some music I hate on principal. Pre-judgment is ugly; why would I hate a person’s music because of their reputation? I don’t know these people… I don’t even care about these people’s personal lives… but I’ll tell you what I do like about them… they share their music with the whole world.

So, back to the music of my soul. Right now, my soul is playing mournful tunes. It is a sad violin, it is a slow and steady bongo. It is a tribal woman, dancing around a fire, dancing a slow and wild dance. Yes, I really am in a rut. How do I get out of the rut? I don’t know, but I don’t want outside help. Why is it not socially acceptable to help yourself mentally, when its not socially acceptable to NOT help yourself physically? Why… when a person is down & out, poor, homeless and drunk, they are looked down upon because they are the dregs of the world; they are talked down to because they are bums. Why is it so terrible that they need alcohol? It may be self-destructive behavior; a bum may be smelly or ugly; but why must he be hated for who he is? Accepting a person does not change him. Accepting the way a person is; changes nothing in this world but the way you look at the world. So… if in fact I was really trying to help my
I know Jeff is more than a friend, he called me to tell me he had been “hittin it” in his terminology.

Kelsie